First Dates, Who Pays?

I got into a fairly interesting discussion with my coworkers today.  Let me preface this by saying that I work in an office of 16 people.  13 are women.  And of those 13, 11 are under the age of 27.  So there isn't any generational issues or perspectives that would result in this conversation.

One woman in my office went on a date last night.  She wasn't overly enthused about going out with the guy, but she agreed to drinks which eventually became dinner when he asked.  Overall, she enjoyed the date.  The guy was nice enough, they had enough to talk about and it wasn't ever awkward.

Then the check came.

She offered to split the check with him.  He, I would argue in a not-so-surprising manner, complied with her suggestion.  Well, this took her back quite a bit and she said that it turned the night sour for her.  I countered that if she did not want to pay, she should not have offered.  This set off a firestorm of responses from the office.  Needless to say, there was very little support of my postion.

Nearly everyone argued that she was simply being polite by offering to pay and that any time that happens, the guy should always reject and pay the bill.  Again, in the interest of full disclosure, I would always reject a girls offer in that case.  But it does not surprise me that he took her up on it.

Times are changing.  Dates do not mean what they once did.  For people our age, going on dates with several people over the course of a month is not uncommon.  A first date is really just a test run, a chance to see how interested you are in that person.  I don't think a first date necessarily means there is interest in the other person.  I believe it means you are interested in getting to know the person.  Those are two inherently different circumstances.  That definitely changes the "rules" of the game.

Now, in this particular interest, she was fairly certain he was interested in her, not getting to know her.  If that is the case, then the onus, if unprovoked, is on him to pay for the meal.  But if you offer to pay, you are not entitled to be upset if he accepts.  Nearly every woman in the office said that they only do it to be polite, that it should never, under almost any circumstances, be accepted.  Let me speak from a guy's perspective: if you don't want to be asked to split, don't offer.  It is that simple.  If women are going out on a date with the expectation of the guy to pay, leave the situation be.  Don't even bother to asking to split.

And this all ties back to my original point here: circumstances of dating are different today.  If people are going on more dates, both men and women, that starts to become a little expensive.  It can't come as a surprise then if a guy takes you up on splitting the check.  And if you, ladies, are going on dates frequently, perhaps you should recognize that a date isn't what it used to be.  This is a "I want to get to know you," not "I am interested in you."  If you don't understand the difference between those two, then I don't know what to tell you.

That's a lot of talking, Pete, so what is your point?  If you don't want to pay, or expect him to pay, then just don't offer.  The expectation is already implicitly there, but the second you offer to split, that expectation disappears.  And you forfeit your right to be upset about it.

Topical What I'm Listening To: Bob Dylan - Times They Are a-Changin