Halloween: Kids, Please Take One

Alright, I am fully aware just how curmudgeony I am about to sound.  And undoubtedly, this is EXACTLY the same type of things that my parents were saying about me when I was growing up/.  But handing out candy last night to kids left me with only question:

What the hell is wrong with kids today?

I know that this is the same tired drum that is beat with each passing generation.  My grandparents had the audacity to show their ankles and go dancing at diners.  My parents generation rebelled, protested Vietnam and smoked like weed repopulated at the rate of kudzu.  My generation?  Coddled, unambitious, and eternally sucking at the teet that nurtured us.  There's always going to be something wrong with the generation that follows and precedes us.

But last night I got a taste of the generation behind me.  Let me preface this by saying that there were kids who took Halloween seriously, said please, thank you, and trick-or-treat.  Plenty of parents joked around with my friends and me as we sat on the stoop and passed out candy to the neighborhood.

As for everyone else: why are you so miserably insufferable? That's what I want to know.  I will spare you each detailed story and, rather, I will lay down ground rules for Halloween next year:

1. If you are not in a costume, you don't get candy.  And, no, putting on a Scream mask does not count as a costume.  Unless you are under the age of 5.
2. If you're over the age of 14, you don't get candy.  No exceptions.  Go talk to girls. Go shoulder tap someone for beer.  Don't go walking around for candy that would cost you $3 at a CVS, save you two hours worth of time, and keep you from looking like immature degenerates that everyone hates.
3. If you are found violating both rules #1 and #2, I reserve the right to egg you.  You should also be condemned to eat raisins as candy for the rest of your life.
4. If parents are considerate enough to say thank you, kids over the age of 5 are capable of it too.  Please and thank you.  Or I pull the basket of candy away from you.
5. Unless you are told otherwise, take one piece of candy.  Want to know why our country is so damn fat? Greedy little kids who grab seven pieces of candy, hop in the car that their lazy parents are driving them around in and head to the next house.  And that's the most exercise they get for the year.  Fewer pieces, fewer pounds!
6. If there isn't the type of candy you want, you are not allowed to turn around, not take one, and then complain to your mom about how there's only bad candy.  Ungrateful runts.

There, those are six rules that everyone must follow next Halloween.  And if the rules are broken, I'm keeping the candy.  Unless it's Almond Joys, because those absolutely suck.  Rule breakers get Almond Joys.

Kids are the worst.

**Note: I am fully aware that someone out there (probably every house in my neighborhood) would have categorized me as a little brat who broke several of these rules.  I acknowledge that.  I just don't care.